it's like daylight at midnight

Never has it been so painful. Never have I felt so little.

I wish I could just talk about it. Now's probably not the best time, but I'll get there.

Until then, I'll be typing away, hoping that with every tap on the keyboard, I let out things and hope that it lessens the pain. Until then, I'll be faking a smile till I'm able to pull off a real one. Maybe one day, I'll be able to say I'm genuinely happy and actually mean it. And when that time comes, I will no longer need to resort to writing these nonsensical entries that only I can understand. Maybe by then, I will no longer need to keep things to myself.

I wish this didn't have to happen. I wish I didn't have to go through this. If this isn't rock bottom, I can't imagine what is.

Almost always, I try to keep myself composed just enough for other people not to notice..

But you know, sometimes..

I lose it too.

Show us your prom picture.
Submitted by thatredhead.

Prom

Hahahahaha! This was aaaaaaaaages ago. =))

Because I needed a break from practice NCLEX questions.

When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was your first thought?
Hitsura mo.

Who is your secret celebrity crush?
Foreign: Patrick Dempsey, Chad Michael Murray and Barry Watson. HAWT. I've had a crush on him since 7th Heaven.
Local: Yung vocalist nung Callalily. Ohmigod. And Chad Peralta. (More kadiri answers in my Multiply- the ones I cannot publicly admit. Hahaha.)

Who was the last person you hugged?
My mom.

What were you doing 20 minutes ago?

Watching TV. Amazing Race All Stars!!!! Rob and Amber!! I hope they win this time.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reviewing past course material and answering practice NCLEX questions.

What’s a word/phrase that you say a lot?
Ohmigod. Pecha na? Kamusta naman yun? Anuba!

Your favorite age you’ve been?
Hm. Favorite? Back when I had no clue what I was doing and life seemed so easy- 15/16/17. You get the idea.

Your worst enemy?
My attachment to procrastination.

What was the last thing you said to someone?
Not to someone, but the last thing I said (shouted) "Mga hampas lupaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
TFC overload.

The last song you listened to?
Always You- Sophie Zelmani

What are the things you enjoy doing even when there’s no one around you?
Singing. Kahit di ko alam o mali-mali yung lyrics. Keri lang.

What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level?
Sleep talaga. And when I've an exam to take, I recently discovered that music actually does work. Oh and I pee a lot before exams.

Name two things you wish you could learn.
I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar. Or the drums. Anything, basta kickass. Hahaha. Ah yon, I wish I could write.

Name three things that remind you of your childhood.
- Ang TV reruns. Hahaha. "4:30 naaaa, Ang TV na!" They're showing it again on TFC.
- Ten-twenty
- Barbie dolls and the Power Rangers. Hahahahaha.

Name three things you love to eat but rarely do.
- banana bread

- fried chicken sushi
- tiramisu

Name some things that make you feel good.
- waking up a bit earlier than I normally do on weekends and realizing I've no classes that day. Then I go back to sleep after that.

- getting an A on nursing exams. O minsan kahit "high 80" lang. sigh.
- alone time at home
- having the computer all to myself

- tight hugs
- hearing from old friends I haven't gotten in touch with for the longest time
- new clothes and shoes

- shopping

How’s your day been?
Good, good.

What is your favorite comfort food?
Ice cream, hands down.

One Web site you visit every single day:
Friendster. As in naka-bookmark na sya. =))

Three shopping sites you would love to win shopping sprees for:
- http://www.forever21.com/
- http://www.ae.com/web/index
- http://www.abercrombie.com/

What is your favorite movie?

Dami eh. Serendipity, Notting Hill, A Lot Like Love! I wouldn't mind watching these films over and over again on a rainy day.

What Curse Word Do You Use The Most?
Shit, Dammit, T*ng*n*. Hahahahaha. Tao lang.

Do You Own An Ipod?

Yes, and his name is Beaky.

What Time Is Your Alarm Set To?

8 am. Right. As soon as it sets off, I'll hit snooze. Trust me.

Do You Want To Fall In Love?
Sure.

Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
Both. I've always wanted someone who has photography skills to take pictures of me. La lang, para hindi naman yung palaging out of focus, off-centered shots that I take of myself.

What was the last movie you watched?
On PeekVid.com: The Pursuit of Happyness. My Sassy Girl din.

Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
Aww, yes. Sucks that I haven't seen any of them though.

Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?

Yeah, my brother always does. Haha. I agree with him though. Sometimes.

Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
No. But I wanted to take those two remaining Benadryl capsules when I was having really bad insomnia once. :p

What Song Is Currently On-Repeat In Your Player?
Bitiw by Spongecola. SOBRA AS IN. Kapatid ko kasi eh. Tatlong buwan ko nang napapakinggan yan.
And Wait for You by Elliott Yamin ♥♥♥

Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
Chocolate Milk! I don't drink milk. I never liked it. When I was a kid, Anchor killed it for me. Hahaha. Anchor.

When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
Grabe tagal na. I can't even remember. Nababawasan tuloy ang pagka-cool ko. :p

Can You Whistle?
Yusss.

Did You Watch Cartoons As A Child?
Of course. I still do, when there's nothing good on TV. Nickelodeon is on my Favorites.

What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
Jeanie, Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sobrang nakakahiya. I have proof!

For some reason, my 2-year-old nephew LOVED Robin Padilla. He'd go "Obin, wawa." (Robin, kawawa) each time the scene where Robin Padilla gets dumped would come up. In my one and a half month stay in there, I must've watched that movie close to a hundred times.

Is anyone in love with you?
Oo, si ano. Hinde, joke. Psh, I wish.

Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
I'm proud to say YES.

Ever Cried In Public?
I try not to. Pero I did once. I swear, once lang. Kakahiya kaya.

Are You On A Desktop Computer Or A Laptop?
Desktop. The ancient, malapit-na-namang-mag-crash dektop. I swear, first project ko talaga laptop pag mayaman na 'ko. Hahahaha.

Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoo?
Mm, not really. I'm fine with what I have.

Whats The Weather Like?
Chilly. Inggit ako, summer na sa Pinas. I MISS SUMMER. I miss not having to layer up when you go outside.

What Did You Do Before This?
Ate dinner.

When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
Not naman (uy how conyo!) on the floor. Sa inflatable bed when my friends came over for my birthday last January.

How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
Minimum of 6 hours. Even then I'd still need to force myself to drink coffee to stay up.

Do You Eat breakfast Daily?
I try to. But now that I rarely go out, I don't. Special K works wonders! Wahaha. Go figure.

Do You Pay Attention To The Calories In The Package/Box?
Since I got here, yeah. Back home, I'd look at it and go "wha?!"

Do You Use Sarcasm?
Not really.

Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
Girls siguro. I really don't have a lot of guy friends here- those that you get to hang out on a daily basis.

Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach Or Back?
On my side.

Do You Watch The News?
Very rarely.

How Did You Get One Of Your Scars?
7 years old. Was trying to ride a bike. Crashed.

Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
My brother. Haha.

Do You Like Anybody?
Yes.

What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
Blue Chucks for my brotha.

Single, Crushin', Interested, or in a Relationship?
Single.

Are you happy with where you are?
I'm happy with what I have and with what I've accomplished in the past two/three years that I've been here. :D I've been blessed and God's been too generous.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes.

Do you believe love at first sight exists?
No. Well, at least it has never happened to me.

Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know it or not?
Yeah.

Favorite holiday(s)?
Christmas and Thanksgiving. Oh wait, any holiday that makes stores go on sale.

Favorite Season:
Summer.

Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?
Over a boy, yes.

Who would you like to see right now?
My inaanaks.

Do you like to travel by plane?
Only if they show a good movie. And if they have those tiny tv screens on the backseat.

If you could go to any place right now where would you go?
Tinatanong pa ba yan? Syempre, Pinas.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE?
Post-its and lip balm

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
When I was younger, yeah.

FAVORITE SONG?
Tough. But Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright's the current LSS.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
Isneks (snakes).

FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE.
My passport. Wahaha just keedeeng. Myself?

Favorite color(s)?
Blue, turquoise, parfol

WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS BRING WITH YOU?
lip balm, phone, wallet

First thing you did this morning?
Looked at myself in the mirror.

Last thing you ate?
Avocado shake!

How do you feel right now?
Bloated.

Is your cell phone a piece of crap?
Um, nah. I'm fine with it.

What's something you're looking forward to most in the next 6 months?
Getting my license :-S. Working :-S.

Do you believe in long distance relationships?
Yes. I've seen people make it work.

Is there someone you miss?
Yes. Everyone back home.

Who was the last person you texted?
Si Poptart. Hahaha. Miko.

Are there a few things you wish you were better at?
I wish I knew how to write. Write well. And um, play any sport or the piano. So many frustrations. Haha.

What's your most vivid memory from 8th grade?
8th grade, so that would be.. second year highschool. Sitting beside two people who'd throw things at each other on a daily basis- Keo and Ruth. Florante at Laura "play". The Link- a "newspaper" project for Journalism that made me cry buckets. Hi, Dustin aka Editor in Chief.

Latest Addiction?
Grey's Anatomy and Amazing Race All Stars. ANTM's new season disappoints me.

How many people would you say you are interested in?
Chad Peralta can have me any minute.
I am so putting this post on private.

What do you love doing?
Taking pictures- of myself and other people. Just give me a working computer with internet connection and I'm good. I love to.. watch tv, go shopping, eat, cook sometimes. Laugh. A lot. Get my daily dose of TFC and those overdramatic telenovelas that Filipinos love. Make fun of myself. Clean up the house or rearrange my stuff when I'm annoyed. And at the end of the day, even in the wee hours of the morning, or any chance I get to: talking to Jesus, because I know He hears me =)

Do you think someone thinks about you daily?
No idea.

Can you cook?
Typical Pinoy dishes lang: Adobo, Sinigang, Nilagang Baka/Baboy, Paksiw na Baboy.. and um, di ko alam yung tawag dun sa iba. Weh parang ang dami eh no.

What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
Push the red emergency button

Worst Habit?
Biting the skin off my lips.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Winky and Apple.

What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A JOB, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On the day itself, I just stayed home. Oh but my parents bought me a Tiramisu cake that night. Then on that weekend, my friends came over, downed Smirnoff like it was water and um, danced like it was a rave party. I had a great time. Oh and I turned 20.

When, where was the last time you cried?
I don't remember, tagal na.

What/who makes you happy?
My family and friends.

What's your favorite song at the moment?
Um, Parokya ni Edgar's Gitara, which is probably old, but I just recently heard and yeah, Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright

What was the last song that kept ringing on your mind last night before you sleep?
BITIW. Like I had a choice.

Have you gone to the beach just w/ your buddies?
Yeah, last year, at Coney Island was the latest. This was the last time I went to the beach with my friends.

Cookies n' cream or double dutch?
Cookies n' cream beats double dutch any day. Or any ice cream flavor for that matter.

Chocolate cake or brazo de mercedez?
Goldilocks' chocolate cake!! Ohmaygadddd. Miss na miss ko na.

Do you know how to drive?
Embarrassingly, no.

Do you like spongebob?
Some days.

Do you know how to play the guitar?
I wish.

KFC or Kenny Rogers?

KFC!

..and of course, you gotta end a long ass survey with the classic *insert number here* Random Things About Me list:

15 Things Very Few People Know About Me:

1. I can't swim to save my life.

2. I talk to myself. When I look at the mirror. A lot.

3. I've never had a boyfriend.

4. The heaviest I've ever been was at 135 lbs. That was when I first got here and didn't realize ice cream was THAT fattening. I swear, it's evil.

5. I was unbelieveably shy back in gradeschool. And highschool too.

6. I secretly think that I'm dyslexic.

7. I hate "text" language.

8. ..and get annoyed when people misuse "their" for "they're" or "your" for "you're" or vice versa. I'm sorry, it's just the OC in me.

9. I'm convinced I went through a pre-anorexic phase. :p

10. I once thought LOL (as in laugh out loud) was another way of saying ULOL. And got offended when I read that someone had replied to my message with an L-O-L. Wahahahaha. Shunga.

11. I cried when I got a C+ on a paper I had put so much effort into for an English class.

12. ..and on prom night. Bwahaha.

13. I enjoy having gay friends who'd tell you straight-up if your outfit sucks or if it looks like you've just spent a little too much time plucking your eyebrows.

14. I crack my knuckles and I know that's bad and ungirly.

15. I'm allergic to Chapstick.

I recall all my past Valentine's Days and well, nothing but Prom Night really stands out. Hahaha. Back in highschool, when everyone in school would swoon over the overrated flowers-and-chocolates tandem and everything else that's Valentine's Day-related, I remember how Jerome and I would half gush at such cliches but mostly become bitter about the whole thing. I had a hard time admitting that to myself a few years back. But you reach a point where it just gets tiring. Because seeing all those things around you, how can you not feel that way? That's when you're hit with the not to mention despicable reality that, well, you have no one to spend that overrated day with. Sucky sucky.

ANYWAY. Yesterday, I was awakened by the pitter-pattering of pellets on my window. I actually got quite annoyed by the sound and thought it was the neighbor's cat trying to get through the window. But it was all white when I looked outside. My brother got home early because apparently, his school was scheduled to close at 2 pm. Now how come we never had that in La Guardia?! I remember there was a blizzard and I was on my way to my Psych class. In the C building. Oh, the memories. So anyway, I was actually telling him that they don't normally cancel classes in college, based on my experience. I guess a little snow is all it takes for Jersey colleges to cancel classes. Not fair.

Anyway, I digress.

So yeah, it snowed yesterday and I got excited. Mwahaha. So my brother and I decided to play outside and take stupid  pictures. We got back inside after a few minutes because one, we realized that we were the only ones taking pictures and that in itself is quite embarrassing and extremely FOB-ish. And two, we didn't have jackets on and were only wearing slippers. :P

Snooow!

I WANNA WANNA WANNA GO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME.

Damn this PMS.

Okay, that's enough bitchin'.

ANYWAY

I have been doing nothing but watch movies all day. The Pursuit of Happyness is loooooove. That scene where Will Smith and his son spent the night at a train station bathroom was just heartbreaking. ='( Go watch it.

Yesterday, we started with the review. We were supposed to start with Psych but apparently, they had to reschedule it to next Thursday. Did Med-Surg stuff instead. A lot of CHFs, EKGs, Anginas and MIs. Yknow, the whole shebang. I seriously have to start reviewing because I'm starting to forget some things. And that's never good. :P

At the table during dinner:

Me: Oy, ikaw naman magligpit.. birthday ko naman!
Kevin: *looks at the clock*
Me: O ikaw na ha. Yay.
Kevin: Ano ka, 12:08 na. Hindi mo na birthday.

 

Oo nga naman. =))

Christmas day was fun. In the three years that I've been here, I can honestly say that this year's was by far the best Christmas party we've ever had. I've always complained of how lame Christmas in the States is.. but I guess this is one of the perks of moving to Jersey- we get to spend the holidays with people we, well, consider family. At least now, it's not just us and we get to see different faces. It was fun.

We celebrated it with some friends who came over right after having their own Christmas parties at home. There was dancing, food, camwhoring and booze. I didn't drink, though. But we did grab a bottle of Margarita Mixer thinking it was already diluted with something alcoholic, but only ended up finishing a bottle of nothing less than lime juice. The adults got drunk and danced while the kids played and well, took pictures. =) Will update ze Multiply account as soon as I get all the pictures.

Pleasant something, kids. And belated Merry Christmas. Hahaha. Better super late than never, right?

Dahil sabaw ako ngayon, as you might expect.

• I don't usually do it, but just last night, I was playing this game on PSP like I had never heard of it before. I think I went to bed 11-ish. And that's bad. Because when you live in Jersey and school is a 1 hour ride away from home, going to bed at 11:00 pm is just not gonna work. So there goes stupid me, curled up in my bed with that thing on my hand, playing as if there's no tomorrow. When I woke up this morning, I had this terrible, terrible headache. I was feeling so nauseous that I had to ask my dad to stop at Duane Reade so I can get some Advil. Mwahaha.
  

• I wanna watch Grey's Anatomy. I wanna know what the fuzz is all about. I don't know why I never got myself to watch a full episode but since everyone seems to like it, it must be good.

• Everyone in my clinical group calls me Baby Krystel. Bwahahaha! Baduy nyo, kakasuka. Hello naman, I've classmates who are actually older than my mom. Most of them are in their 30's. Some in their late 20's. And I've one classmate who just turned 50 last week. And there goes little me who was born the year some of them met their husbands/wives. Hahaha.
  

• Kyenes, ako daw gumawa nung display box namin para sa 260 presentation chorva na yun. I'm not complaining naman as in like, bitching about it no (Hahaha arte!). Hindeeee, okay lang naman. Pero kasi, pecha na? Akala siguro nila wala akong ibang ginagawa sa buhay kundi mag-internet at manood ng Pinoy Dream Academy. BWAHAHAHAHA! Hoy, nagbabagong buhay na 'ko ngayon no. Nag-aaral na 'ko ahead of time. Tipong, weeks before the exam. Kagaya nung mga "excited" kong classmate. =)) Apat na buwan yata before the exam, rumi-read na sila ng chapters.

• I just learned today that this classmate of mine got a freakin' 98 on a freakin' Med-Surg exam. 98. Posible pala yun? Halimaw shet. Will post pictures soon. Kung di ako tamarin magdala ng camera sa clinical. =))

• I was flipping through the calendar and it just dawned on me.. 35 days. Ay dios mio. I keynt believe it's almost coming to an end. I'll miss people, that's for sure.
  

• Nga pala, Florence Nightingale lamps were distributed last Wednesday. Hahahahaha. Natatawa pa din ako, mukhang laruan eh. But it's all good. Maybe I'll have candlelit dinner with my lamp every once in a while, just like Prof. Bradley. HAHAHA!